disappointment

2012 was one of the hardest years of my life.

It was lousy work compounded with mom falling ill and passing on.

It was also the year that a close friend drifted away and I wasn't clear what had happened, only to find out that she felt slighted because I'd met Paul. There was no explanation, just slowly she detached herself from me, and when I asked her stuff, she was always curt in response.

I had to find out from another friend who was kind enough to intervene on my behalf. I guess I was silly thinking that the friendship could be salvage. After apologies and attempts to connect, it was was a one-way attempt. No reciprocal efforts from her. I thought we had sealed our friendship so deep that she would understand. But nada. She felt hurt, and I can understand. But she could have also told me straight up. I was told she hinted to me about what was happening. Okay, I don't pick up cues that easily. Just hit me with a bat and tell me to stop ignoring friends just because I have a boyfriend now. (Which I absolutely try not to do btw, it's unfair to friends. I've been on the receiving end of these "I'm not free if bf is in town" girlfriend treatment)

It's come to such that when I can added on communal friend chats, there is a separate chat going on. I know how it goes, I was part of that gang once. That's how things work, and it's disappointing. They've set their minds that I am that sort of a person and make judgement. They were even making judgement of how I'm not spending enough time with my dad. I was like "wow" okay, cos I'm sure they know my daily routine now that they are out of my life. Do they know what's going on in my life at this point to make that judgement? Do they even know what it's like to lose your mom and have your whole life change forever in the course of a week?

It's time to let go, I guess. When I see stuff that we are commonly connected on - friend's chats etc - it still shocks me to know go all silent, just cos I'm in the chat. Like, hey, I'm not that bad a person, okay? Did I completely offend you?

It's also time to reflect - what I was like when I was part of that gang. They have goodness in their hearts, but the way they are treating people, it just isn't that great. Disappointed.

一年前

A year ago, on this night, I said night and goodbye to my mom in hospital. I told her we would be back to see her the next day. But she left that night. I still can't believe she is gone. I miss her so much. A year later today, Ting and Nick got married. A gathering of family members but under such different circumstances. 

Still miss you loads, mi.

How fast they grow

The loves of my life -- B1 & B2.

11 years ago, when B1 was born, I wasn't the least bit interested.

"It's a boy!"... that was the text from my sister. Having seen fine examples of boys (see the bro and men in my life) I was kinda disappointed. But he was the cutest, chubbiest baby, ever!

B1 has turned out to be such a lovely child. I don't know how my sis and her husband did it, but he is a fine example of a young man. :) (Yeah, I'm biased... bite me!)

Case in point: when I returned home from Melaka a few weeks back, after driving 3 hours with my sis, B2 and my cous, I reached her house feeling extremely warm, and was extremely fatigued. I thought it was because I had been driving three freaking hours, but it turned out, I was running a high fever.

I'd ask B1 to touch my forehead. And he went

B1:"Does my hand feel cold to you?"
Me:"No? Why?"
B1:"Cos your forehead feels a quite warm"

And then, without anyone asking, he ran to get the thermometer for me.

B2 turned out super cute too. She is different from B1, temperament and all. She is very polite, and very thoughtful. :) B2, who is now 9 years old this year, started a blog. I shall not link it to her blog, just because the Internet is a big scary place.

Anyway...

When P and I started dating, and I'd moved his contact onto my homepage on my phone, and it had his name as an icon on it. B2 is a BIG hogger of my phone when I'm at her place. So when news broke that I've a bf, her first question was: "Is it P?"

And just a few days ago, I called her in the evening and we were just chatting. And I said I was meeting P for dinner. B2 went,"I think you should go for a romantic dinner. Both of you. That's what I think."

So funny and cute. How would a 9 year old know what's a romantic dinner?

And of cos when we had to pay our last respects to mom, and had to do the walk around the coffin, the kids stood by my side to comfort me. And after that they went to their mom and stood by her side.

Mom was always very proud of them. She had a soft spot the B1 and like me, found B2 very cute and funny. When she was in hospital, I took her wallet and noticed that she only had B1's picture. And I said that she was biased. Immediately, she finished out B2's picture that was kept else where in the wallet and said she wasn't biased.

Those pictures are in my wallet now :) It's kinda a sweet reminder to me of mom and the kids.

Happy birthday, ma

Last year this time was the start of mommy's in and out of hospital. Dr Thumboo had told me in January then, that it didn't look good and when it does deteriorate, mommy would go very quickly. I still cannot believe she is gone. There are days I am in denial, thinking that she is just next door. I miss her so much. Today would have been her 72nd birthday. I wish she had a few more birthdays to celebrate with us. Ma, 生日快乐。

Evolution

This is a great video on evolution https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdddbYILel0&feature=youtube_gdata_player Had a WhatsApp conversation with a friend who is a staunch Christian. She just happened to hear from a TV programme that a scientist found out that we are evolved from rats (completely untrue) and knowing my fear of rats she pinged me, rubbished evolution and said I was in denial. I sometimes wonder on what basis she thought that to be "made in the image of God" is true, why? Cos it says so on the Bible? Well, just cos someone wrote it in a story doesn't make it true. (see cinderella, little red Riding Hood and all other fairy tales) Well, the Bible was written by men. Evolution is a result of science, research and evidence. And in my opinion makes it one up on the Bible because it's the truth.