closure

There was always the great big question when I decided to come back: What will happen between you and S?

I guess it was inevitable and we were both just in denial that it could work. Why can't it? After some 2 over years of long distance calls, my stint in the UK and the possibility of a life together from December? If it has worked so well in the past, when we feel so good together - why can't it work?

Today we decided to give our relationship a break. Pressured by a need to decide on the future of our relationship. S feeling pressured by the lack of attention he was devoting to me. Me, feeling the pressure of a futureless relationship, and his extreme introverted-ness. I am saddened by it all, of course. But at least there is closure.

The past few months have been really difficult, not knowing what might be the outcome of our relationship. Despite good chemistry between us, at times we were really distrustful of each other. How's a relationship to survive, particularly a long distance one, if there is no trust?

I am not hopeful that we will get back together. He is a man and this is our second break. I am happy for the memories that we've had. But I am sad that I will lose a close friend and that our relationship will never be as close as what it was.

Now I know what my options are and what I need to do next. It is not what I wanted, or planned, but I feel better, slightly, knowing what my future will be.

allergy

I think I am allergic to the country that I grew up in.

Okay I could be exaggerating. But how do you explain the constant sneezing since I touched down, especially on days when I'm not on antihistamines?

Maybe this is part of the psychological and delusion repatriation blues that I am experiencing. Symptoms include:

• Denial that I am back in Singapore
• Thinks UK weather is better
• Constant delusional thoughts of a dream job back in the UK
• The big giant air-con in the sky will switch on right about...NOW!

Hmmm maybe it's just the antihistamine talking.

guess who's back

okok, so it's not much of a guess, since most people who actually read my blog already know that I am back.

The past few weeks after I left Bath were an absolute nightmare. But I kinda left the place with a strong feeling that I will be back there. Not sure if I will be working or bumming there (though I think bumming may not be an option there).

But I did a trip back from Surrey to Bath/Bristol. Drove 3 hours last Thursday to say bye to S. It was nice to see him again and say bye. Though he said he was very upset that I was going. Hmmm. I then stayed in Bath till 9pm, before driving like a mad woman at 90miles/hr back to Reigate. Going through Heathrow was such a nightmare. First you had to have only one hand carry, second, you can't carry liquids of more then 100mL per type of liquid, and not more than 1 litre for ALL types of liquid. And checking in you need to take off your coat, put them in one tray, laptop in another and bag in third. And another more ludicrous procedure was taking off shoes for inspection. They should provide those guys at the shoe checking station with face masks, it stank! But it was just such a relieved to get on the plane and out of there. So it's probably good that it was so traumatic at Heathrow that I didn't really feel all that sad to leave.

Was almost surreal coming back. Like I never went away at all. S said that don't think it that way, it's part of who I am. But seriously, it does feel like it was all a dream. And it's worst when you wake at 3am at nite, when your body thinks it's 8pm in the evening. You start dreaming that you were back in the UK. Or think that "hmmm at this time I should be doing this, or that, or chatting..." I haven't acclimatised to the time and weather yet. I sleep at 6am and wake close to 12pm.

There was a really heavy thunderstorm last nite. Honest-to-goodness, car alarm set-off kind of loud thunder and lightning and rain pouring down from the heavens like it has never rained before. And then it hit me - I'm home. I've missed hearing loud thunder crashing and rain pounding on the grounds. Then I snuggled deeper under my quilt and fell back to sleep.

beginnings and ends

Everything seems strangely calm and quiet in my little room. As if everyone has moved out and I am the only person in the accommodation.

This is officially the last night in Bath, in my little room, which I have occupied for 1 year. It's empty now. Stripped of all my files, plant, shoes, accessories. It feels familiar and yet strange. I can't believe that I will never be here again after tonight. This safe little sanctuary of a room.

The city of Bath seems to have taken on a quiet calm as well, as if it was also sad to see us go. I will truly, truly miss this city. It's small, cosy feel. It's so small that a small street flood makes it to front page of the city papers. The streets have been here for years, and reading them in Jane Austen's Northangar Abbey gives you a thrill just knowing that people hundreds of years ago walked on Great Pulteney Street, visited peers on Milsom Street, went up to Claverton Down.

I took my huge Vauxhall Vectra out for a drive today, just going around Combe Down and Claverton Down, just to remind myself how lovely the countryside is, and how life back home will never be like that.

It's time to let go of those feelings now and look forward to a new beginning.

done and dusted

Today!!! Well actually it was YESTERDAY!!!! I am finally done with my studies. It's been such an intensive year.
Spent all of last night packing all my belongings into 3 boxes. Amazingly they fit. Then at 3am, decided to have a beer with gayboy. Now nursing a headache.

All my files are gone. Clothes cupboard is empty. Toilet is all empty of its towels and stuff. I still have a stack of books, which I am still quite undecided if I should bring them along. And last nite S came over to kinda say good bye. It was all so sad. I left him the clothes dryer, some towels and my lucky bamboo plant - which are our combined fixed asset.

Lots of mixed feelings. Want to go out and take a walk in Bath, but stupid headache wont go away. And of all days it has to be cloudy and gloomy on the one day that I have absolutely nothing to do. Well I do have things to do - clear my kitchen and more packing. Shall do that now.

porter, there is a mouse in my living room

I have been with my darlings the past few days. They are such angels. B2 is so different from when I left her for the UK last year. She is super chatty and boy oh boy, does that girl have a mind of her own.

I made my sister come out with them to the hotel reception. I wanted to see if either of them recognised me if I pretended to be a passerby at the recept. And they just walked past me. I had pretend to clear my throat. B1 turned around saw me and then said, "Yee yee." It was loads of hugs and kisses.

But it's just so tiring to babysit. I have been with them since yesterday, but it seems like I've been with them for weeks. And somehow, it kinda reminds me that I don't want kids. As much as I adore them, they take up so much energy. It just reminded me that I don't want kids! Ever...

B1 is an angel though. Yesterday while we were at Cafe Uno, he cut a small piece of his fish, loaded it with lemon juice, and told me to take it cos he loves to eat fish and chips that way. And he made sure that I ate it.

Last nite, they were jetlagged, and I was sleeping with them. They woke at 5am, and I got up to pat them to sleep. B1 went,"Thanks yee yee."

awww isn't he a sweetheart?

Anyway, I told my sister I would baby sit the rascals Sunday evening. The kids were still a bit jetlagged and tired so I had such a hard time trying to keep them up and awake. B2 was grouchy and fell asleep on the couch while watching her boring Barbie - Fairytopia DVD that comes with her new Barbie doll. So I carried her to bed, and she slept with her bum up in the air, like B1. B1 in the meanwhile was playing computer games to keep awake and I watched TV. When I got up to get B1 to go zzz, I saw a mouse run from the edge of the couch on which I was sitting on towards the kitchen area.

Naturally I shrieked. And ran to B1, shut the door and prayed that the freaking mouse would not come through.

Somerset Bayswater London - the supposed atas range of the Somerset serviced apartments. That was not all. Earlier on in the day, my sister found a piece of dried up shit under her bed. And she had been complaining that the room smelled of shit (B2 was first suspect). But the dried up shit cleared B2 of all suspicion.

Anyway my sis and her husband returned from their night out, very disgusted with the people. Anyway my bro-in-law searched the living room and found mice droppings behind the couch. And in the bedrooms. In the room where the rascals and I were sleeping, there was a bottle of milk that possibly has been there for days, or weeks and more mice droppings.

It's really not worth the money at all. Plus the walls are paper thin, and when people slam the door, you can hear it. And the fire alarm went off in the middle of the a few times. I suspect its work of drunkard.

So there you go - Somerset Bayswater London, they should pay you to stay there.

a season for goodbyes

7 September 2007. The date that all of us have been pinning for. The submission date for the class of 2007, Bath MBA soon-to-be graduates were hoping for. And yet not.

The day that this day comes, means goodbye. For some of us, we probably may not see them ever again. We started drinks at 12, and ended at 12. :) And I spent 3 hours lying on the grass by the lake in school. Then off to Java, and then All-Bar-One, again.

I will miss Bath. And I will miss my time here in school. But it's not just the place that creates the memories, it's the people. Friends whom you meet everyday. It was just like a typical post lecture Friday, all sunny, we were out at Parade Bar drinking. Then some people had to go home. Hugs and kisses were exchanged. And I didn't realise till about 2 hours ago that I may not see some of them in a long time, or even forever.

For some, I wished that I had spent more time getting to know them. For many I wished I had more time to spend with them. And for the class, I just wished that it all didn't have to end with a goodbye.

It brings me closer to go home. The reality of it hit me when I had to pick up my shipping boxes this morning. That I may not come back here forever. It is going to be the same life in Singapore that I had a year back.

My darlings are in the UK as I type, a part of me feels excited to see them, and yet, I haven't packed. And feel no desire to pack. Cos facing them means another tick in my checklist of activities that I have to do before I go home.

S and I are in a really good place now. I think despite his macho, bachelor, commitment-pobia, we really, really get on with each other. I think it is a waste to just throw it away, pending on a job. And yet the reality of the situation is, I cannot afford not start working. I've had the privilege of studying in a foreign land. Something that I never thought I would do or think I'll ever have such an opportunity to do it. No commitments about home, parents or anything, not even money for a long time. And all that seems to crashing down towards the end. It is sad. I wish that I had some brains to be earning shitloads, to live the life that I like.

old memories

P9120032
Originally uploaded by Scuba Babe

Just came across this picture that I took of B1 and mommy at Brighton. I like it. It's such a sweet picture.