Somewhere up in the mountains

No Internet connection. My life may just be teetering on the verge between life and death. Am in Wales and the view is Gorgeous. Yes. With a capital G. It's nice and warm and temp of about low 20s. Sat outside with tea and treacle tart for Cous and some weird tasting orange drink for me. Next stop the big pit.


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Location:Mynydd Illtud common

I miss you, mom

Most days it doesn't feel like you are not around anymore. Like what Ah Yee says, most times i can still picture you on your favourite spot on the couch. Perhaps it's cos you've always never imposed yourself on me. You've always supported us from the side and left us to make our life choices and decisions. You would just quietly wait on the side and be there when we needed you.

Some days, like today, I feel that you are not here anymore and the closest thing I can link me to you are pictures of you. I miss you mommy.




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No more energy

It's such a struggle to wake every morning to get to work. Before mom passed on I was already tired. Now I've completely lost interest and I can't find the motivation or energy to go on. I am on bed, have been the past 40 mins, willing my physical self to wake. Strange that my boss is piling me on with work and seems to feel that I'm back 100%. Note to self: in future when colleague's loved one passes on, they are never 100% back to normal




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Painful goodbyes

The doc told us that mommy has no chance of recovering and is suffering from multi-organ failure. We have extubated her, she is now on morphine and zzz. Last evening she was so restless and it was evident from her eyes that she was tired. And yet she didn't want to close them. It was heartbreaking, as if she has unfinished business and wasn't ready to leave.

My aunt and cousin came in and started reciting Buddhist chants and it calmed her down immediately. It also helped that James and Sophie were outside the room and said goodbye to her. She struggled to open her eyes to see them and then wanted her son, my sis and I to go into the room. She looked at me and then at my sis. And when my sis said that I'll wait outside she nodded her head. That was the last time I saw her conscious. She has been sleeping all day today. And from my angle by her bedside, it looked like her eyes were going to open. But they will never be.

I went Tiong Bahru market today and I so miss mommy. I used to bring her there and she would go for the shark meat Lor Mee. I can't believe she will no longer be part of my life. I will never have a chance to drive her around again or bring her to places to eat. Or spend time w her. I can't imagine what life will be like without mom.

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Thanks and good bye, mommy

We've made a decision to let mommy go. I just held her hands and looked at her as she struggled to keep her eyes open earlier. She was looking at me. I told her that i love her a lot. All treatments don't seem to be making a significant impact on her recovery.

I regret working those long hours at work and neglecting her. Those lost times can never been replaced

This has to be the most heartbreaking thing. She will no longer be around. I miss her already.

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remembering

I wanted to write this post before, like all things, my memory fades and I forget the little details about mommy.

She lays in ICU now, with life support. A fraction of what she used to be. Her fiestiness and fiery-ness all gone. She can't speak and can only struggle to communicate.

Yesterday evening, when my sister and I went to visit her, she struggled to tell my sister stuff - her funeral arrangements. Over and above that, she looked at me, and held my hand, and made my sister promise that she would take care of me. She has absolutely nothing to worry about me, and yet she does. And for the first time in my entire life, I told my mom that I love her and I wanted her to know that before she was gone.

Mommy is only 71 years old. Seeing her struggle and coping with so many machines and medication, it really pains me. And I know that she is kinda prepared for what is to come...what it must feel to take that journey alone.

I want her back. I miss her. Coming home, to the home that she'd built, everything reminded me of her. Her favourite corner on the couch that could no longer sit, because it doesn't give her the support. The dining table and chairs that we'd gone to Hougang Green to get. The lacy white curtains that part the living room and balcony that she absolutely refuses to change,

I remember her hands, and looking and thinking - why didn't I inherit these hands? They were adult-looking hands long and sturdy fingers, nicely shaped nails. Strong and knobby. These hands have done so much for us - working at the sewing factory owned by my uncle. Working as a cleaner in a day-care, working at a chee cheong fun factory, that gave her hands burns and nails fungal infection.

The shuffling of her feet with hotel slippers used to irk the hell out of me on weekend mornings. She is always the first person who would try whatever I bake and wants to eat it hot. "Sio Sio, tio bay pio" - eat it piping hot and win lottery, that was what she would say. Mommy's had a tough time with a husband who is a traditional Singapore man, "steeped" in dogmatic thinking, and male chauvinistic ways. I usually try to be on Mom's side, cos knowing my dad and his behaviour. She would call him 猪老爸 or "orr yee orr" names which I'd given dad to describe his glut and noise he makes at home.

I can't even remember when was the last time I'd brought her out for a meal, like we used to. I know she likes going to IKEA and just wander around the store. We'll end up at the restaurant, and she'll want the poached salmon. She'll remember my schedule and ask if I was going to exercise on Sundays, even right up to a few weeks ago, she would ask that.

She is very very sick. I know that there's no hope for recovery. All I want for her is a quick journey to the end without more suffering.




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Mom's not coming home

10.40pm 22 June. They called me to tell me that they've intubated mom. That means the start of an end. Her system will become dependent on life support. There may be other infections to an already very weak body

4.17am 23 June ... The realisation that Mom's never coming home.

On the move again

When a job totally consumes you and you find absolutely no joy in doing what you do. And you start doubting your own abilities, it's then time to move on.

Question is: what's my next step?

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mom

Mom hasn't been well. She hasn't been well for a long time now. But today, after seeing her bedridden and a shadow of what she was, my heart sank. This time I have a feeling that it will spiral downwards. Mommy has always been determined. She would be independent and would always want to do things on her own.

Now she can't even feed herself. My sister called me today to ask me what mommy's bank pin number was. This was something that she would always tell me when she hands me the card, and today she couldn't remember.

I miss having my mom open the door for me when I come home late from work. I miss her sitting at her spot on the couch watching TV, even though I know she isn't really watching because she goes to bed once I get home. These days she just wants to lay in bed. She can't walk or stand and I can barely hear her speak. She says she wishes to just pass on. And perhaps from someone who is so used to doing things on her own, to now just lying in bed, I know that it possibly could be the best thing. But for my own selfish reasons I want her to here with me. I want my mom back. I do miss her. And I wish I could have taken back all the mean things I've said to her. I know she is still here with me, but it does feel that time is running out, and pretty soon.


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in a month's time, in a year's time

I was reading this post .. this lady gave changed her life in a year...and the post is as she reflects, a year later
That got me thinking.It's been 4 years since I came back, and each job has been more to fill the bank account than making me happy. I've worked my ass off, zero social life, no boyfriends (yes starting to realise that now, thank you) and terribly unhappy with life.
Since I can't think so far, let's do a small baby step life planning
1. for a start would be to lose weight and be the ideal weight by June.
Carrying all that excess weight on me hasn't been good. For health reasons,... for vanity reasons. And trust me when I tell you men are shallow and go by looks. I definitely get more looks and second looks when I'm skinnier.
So each month I want to lose at least 2kg, up to a max of 4kg a month (I highly think that' might be impossible). By June I want to be my ideal weight.
2. I will get a man by August.
 I've been single too long. 'nuff said.
Haven't thought about the career bit, but for sure I need to rethink what I want to do.
So let's get 1 & 2 in order first. :) Keep you posted. 

Growing up

Just last week I was at rascals' place (then again when am I ever not there?)

Anyway I wanted to run to the neighbourhood mall which was a 10 min walk from their house, but mom wanted to come along, and so I had to drive. And B1 wanted to come along.

So we did a bit of shopping and then B1 asked," Yee Yee, can I walk home on my own?"

I stopped to think real hard...the little lovely one is now all grown up. Something inside went "crink" as if a reminder that the kids will change and it's gonna happen faster than you think.

And I remembered that when i was in Primary 4-5 I had wanted that independence too. In fact, I'd walked along Phillips Ave and took bus number 73 to Serangoon Gardens, just to go to NIB to borrow books - all this on my own and without my dad's knowledge... or he would have gone ballistics.

So I told him,"Okay sweetheart, but be very very careful when crossing the road."

And then saw him trot along to make his way home on his own...I guess that's just only the start :)

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growing old

Back back

Slowing metabolism

Creaky knees*

Aches and pains

Growing old really isn't much fun. Didn't use to take so long to recover from things like: exercise, cramps... or even remembering things. These days I feel like a sloth, and have been certified by my doc as obese!!! I thank my polycystic ovary syndrome.

I'm turning 40 in two years. OMG. I don't feel that old, and yet I will be. 1/2 my life has gone by.

I heard on radio, this lady who wrote a book about getting old - how the body does but the mind doesn't. I have a feeling when I am 80, I'll feel this way too. These days thoughts of aethism has kinda set in. When I was younger, my dad would force me to go pray at temples. And of course when you grew older, parents can't force you to do something you didn't want to. Or believed in. And it didn't help that I was in a Methodist school. I even believed in God for a while *shudder*. These days I think I can believe that there is no god. Not a Christian one, nor a buddhist one. Or any other kind for that matter.

We are a outcome of colliding atoms, particles and masses. I believe that there is no afterlife... Which brings me back to my point of this post - mortality. I have only this one chance to make good how should i spend it? Enslaved in a job I absolutely resent. A job that takes away time from me and my family?

Time to reallynthink hard


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